I'm a thinker. I think about everything and I think all the time. I wake up and think as I drink my coffee, take a shower, dry and straighten my hair, and then I think the whole drive to work. I most often think about my clients in the morning when I'm getting ready. Usually not directly about them individually but more overall, what they need and how I can better serve them. I know that the junk television I watch is in no way beneficial to my intelligence BUT I truly believe that it is the only thing that puts my mind on pause and allows me to zone out. I get caught up in the Bachelorette's silliness in saying she's "in love" within two dates, or by watching competitions for HOH on Big Brother, and even laugh my head off at how funny the Kardashian sisters are. It's my escape and it's really the only time that I completely forget my work, clients, family, friends, and anything else of substance.
Lately I have been thinking more...genuinely, real, and giving myself some credit. I am my own worst critic and not a day goes by that I don't say "shame on you" to myself for something I said or did that day or even in the past. I have beat myself up for years about what a mean girl I was in high school, how poorly I treated my ex husband, all the friendships I have screwed up, and how stupid I am for giving too much of myself to men who didn't deserve it. But lately, I've been trying to cut myself a break. Ive been reminding myself that despite my daily attempts (and failures), I am not perfect and never will be. I will never treat people exactly like God wants me to and I will always need to learn how to better communicate in love to those around me. I've been trying to be aware of my "self talk". We talk about this in my groups I lead all the time. I have recognized that I have made a pattern of saying "you're such a loser" in my head when I go an entire evening without receiving any text messages from anyone. I call myself a "fat ass" when my pants feel tight and I don't like the way I look. Ive been teaching my clients and thus teaching myself that my self talk reflects my actions and the way I live. If I tell myself that I'm a loser, I will continue to act like one. I won't set standards for the kind of people I will allow around me and I will settle when I deserve better. I also am trying to give other's credit. Nobody is perfect and I should know that better than anyone. I may have had some poor instincts as of late when it comes to choices in men, but I also have made some positive choices. I'm making progress in making better decisions. I got rid of "Mr. Looney Toons" within three weeks and that my friend, is progress. I have set standards for type of men I will surround myself with and I can honestly say...I don't want to be around really any but four or five and that includes my boss and family members. I've come a long way and I have a lot further to go, but life is a journey. I'm not supposed to have arrived yet. I guess I always thought that by my late twenties, I would be married, working, at least two kids, and know exactly who I am. I pray that I am never a finished project. May I always be growing and learning. No, I have not taken the path I planned to in that I am single, childless, poor, and a little damaged. But I have also endured. I have endured through some rough times and I am stronger because of those times. I know I want to be someone who loves God. I know I want to lessen the burdens of others as a career for the rest of my life. I know I want to be kind, loving, and giving. I know I want to teach my children someday to love others. I know I want to avoid bitterness and judgement and celebrate the unique stories of each individual. I know I want to eat healthy and exercise regularly. I know I want to always have a relationship with my family whether or not we live in the same town. Those are the things I know and beyond that...I don't know. I don't know if I will ever have my own children, but in some capacity, I will mother in some form. I don't know if I will ever find my "soul mate" but I know I want a man who will partner with me and just love on people. I don't know where I will work or what exactly I will do in my career. I don't know where I will live or who I will know. Life is a journey and I often wish I could be like the Disney character, Raven who can see visions of the future so I know whats coming, but I can't. So I need to stay present, be aware, be considerate, and do the best I can with what I have at the moment...
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