Some days...

    There are days that I love being single. I walk around my apartment some nights and love that the whole place is mine and that I have sole rights to the remote, dvr, and I can get up at four in the morning when my dog wakes me up and flip on the tv to try to get sleepy again. I love that I don't owe anyone explanation of where I am or what I'm doing. But other days, like today, I feel as though I'm drowning in loneliness and fear that I will never find someone to spend forever with. I try to give myself a pep talk, reminding myself to have faith that God knows what He is doing and that this is a teachable moment. I want to be a mom more than anything else. I literally feel uterus aches sometimes when I see babies. I never used to be that way. I remember being a newlywed and even questioning if I would ever truly desire to be a mother. I look at friends and even strangers with their little ones and yearn for it. I want to adore a man and grow old with someone that I know is my forever and that I love unconditionally. But there are nights like tonight that I can feel myself drowning in self pity and swimming around in negative self talk. I back stroke and breast stroke in questions of, why me? What did I do to deserve being shitted on by who I thought was the love of my life? Why do even mean girls get married and I'm alone? Sick and pitiful that I even entertain such self pity and doubt. So I give myself a good slap around and have to edit my self talk: God created me and He has a plan. I need to make myself available to whatever He has in store and instead of trying to write my own script, let go and surrender. God knows my heart. He knows what I desire. But you know what He knows about me as well? I need to be found in HIM first. I need to be content in the present and avoid being defined by who loves me and wants me. I guess more than anything, it's hard to have faith. I want to know who "he" is going to be and when I will meet him. It's so hard to let go and surrender it completely.
    Most days I am okay. I get super engrossed in my work and then relax in the evenings, and do it all over again the next day. It's just some days that I ache for more...

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."
Psalm 37:4-6