I've always loved to write. I write from my heart and although it may not always be poetic or brilliant, I love it. I've been a hopeless romantic for as long as I can remember. I chose the colors for my wedding in sixth grade and even created a book with magazine clippings with ideas for how I will decorate for my wedding. I dreamed of the ring, the dress, the flowers, even the vows. I began writing letters to my future husband at the age of fifteen when my parents gave me my purity ring ( I actually did wait until my wedding night). The one thing I didn't envision or plan for was the marriage itself. So there I was at 22, engaged and planning my big day.
When the wedding is over and all the gifts have been unwrapped, reality sets in. I'm now married and its not always going to be romantic or thrilling. So skipping a whole heck of a lot of drama and getting to the point, I'm going to be 28 next month and I'm divorced, childless, and single. Uhh...this is not how I planned it. So this is my first time being single since I was 16. I've realized that I have always found my identity in how many guys like me, if I have a perfect looking relationship, and if guys think I'm good looking. How did I get here? I have changed the music I like, the TV I like, the way I dress, the way I talk, according to who I'm with. That never was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the confidant, driven, overachiever. But alas, here I am sorting through my true taste in clothes, confirming that I actually LOVE country, Christian, and yes, some rap. I'm 28 and figuring out what I should have figured out in my young 20s. But God is good. All the time. He has never left me or forsaken me. There have been many, many, many moments, days, weeks, even months where I have questioned God: WHY? I thought I did it the way I was "supposed to". I was the "good girl". So what are you thinking, GOD? WHOA. Little me is questioning God. He never said I wouldn't get hurt, experience trauma, or ever feel lonely. He said something better: HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME.
This is my journal where I will write about the journey, the path, the mistakes, the good times...and ultimately I hope-NO I KNOW-where I will one day be exactly where God planned for me to be. One of my most precious friends, Bree said it right: God has a plan and we can go off on our own little tangents and HE says, "Okay sure, try that way. Eventually you will end up where I planned". I've taken a grip of detours and tried to mapquest my own journey but here I am...I SURRENDER. There's something about that word that gets me right in the gut. Maybe it's because I work with those in recovery but I love the concept of SURRENDERING. Giving in to God and knowing that he ultimately runs the show anyway, so why do I keep trying to grab the reins? Sheesh.
My computer screen at my desk that I stare at daily has the following verses taped to it:
~"I am waiting for the Lord, my soul is waiting for Him, and my hope is in His Word." Psalms 130:5
~"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him...". Psalm 37:7
~"My soul, wait though only upon God; for my expectation is from Him." Psalm 62:5
~"And therefore will the LORD wait, that He may be gracious unto you, and therefore will He be exalted, that He may have mercy upon you: for the LORD is a God of judgement: blessed are all they that wait for Him." Isaiah 30:18
So here it goes...I'm surrendering, finding myself in the Lord, and chronicling it here...
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