I remember my ex saying, "If people would put half the energy into the marriage that they put into planning the wedding, perhaps more marriages would last." I totally agree with him. Granted I was young, innocent, and completely oblivious to my ignorance about what a lifetime commitment really means when I got married, but I spent so much energy on planning my wedding that I literally felt depressed when it was over. I don't remember ever thinking past the honeymoon. I just wanted my dream wedding, dream honeymoon, and to live happily ever after. Uhh...really? I was telling my bestie in a recent conversation that I don't even KNOW the girl I was five years ago. I wish I knew then what I know now to be able to be saved from some heartache, but some of me is really glad I went through it all. I wouldn't be who I am today and I would still be an ignorant, spoiled, unrealistic girl.
The last relationship I was in was stormy, to say the very least. When we were good, we were great. I had such passion for him. But when it was bad, it was ugly. I evolved within that relationship and was really able to identify what I want and don't want in a partner. I will never regret that relationship because he is truly a wonderful man who loved me to pieces and taught me so much. So I was just telling my friend Mo last night that I have extremely high standards now of what I want in a significant other and I wonder if thats good, or if it will make it difficult to impossible to find someone.
I want someone that LOVES. I want someone that will be my partner in teaching our children to LOVE. I want my children to know that God loves them and so they should then give that love away to everyone around them. I don't want to teach them religion or judgement, but love. To go with their hearts and do what they know in their hearts is right and wrong. I want them to learn that God loves us sooo much, that he died for us. And his message is to give love away to those around us. I want my partner to love me unconditionally. I've never had that in a relationship because they have all ended. I want my partner to love my family, especially my sisters. To love my friends, especially my besties. I want my partner to love my dogs:)
I want someone that is genuine and authentic. It's important that he knows who he is and is willing to fight for his values and beliefs and for those he loves. I don't want to change anyone. I see so many relationships where they try to change the other person and mold them into who they want them to be. I don't want to change him. I want to fall in love with who he is. I want him to know that I'm his biggest fan and that I support him NO MATTER WHAT.
I want someone who is passionate. I don't care if he's passionate about being a plumber, as long as he fixes toilets with all his heart. I don't want someone who is "stuck" in their job, constantly negative and complaining about what they had to do throughout their day. I love my job and it is a reflection of who I am and what I believe in. I must share that with a partner.
I want someone who challenges me to be the best version of me. My ex was so good at this and thats one of the great things I took away from the relationship. He (sometimes) gently and lovingly held me accountable to control my temper, consider my words, and consider my actions instead of being so impusive. He challenged me to truly think for myself and find what I believe without feeling like I have to believe what other's tell me to. He helped me find for myself what pains me, as well as what excites me. I will never forget driving home from Sanger one evening, following a family meeting with one of the families I worked with in Wraparound. The family was struggling more than I thought anyone could possibly struggle. The mother came over from Mexico, after escaping her abusive husband and bringing her four children with her. She worked in the fields for hours and hours a day, unable to provide for her children even the most basic necessities. I discovered that they had no furniture, no pillows, no shampoo, no toothpaste. I was driving home on the 180 and called my ex. I burst into tears and I'm not a crier by any means. I remember saying, "how can people allow human beings to live like this? I don't care if they aren't citizens or what mistakes they have made. They are people with hearts and souls and a desire to be loved and have a better life. How can there be such poverty amongst such privilege and I've gone my whole life, not stopping to consider the other side of the tracks." I had always helped with "the poor" with family, school, and church. But I was the classic white, American girl that thought that if people just came over legally and got good jobs, they could have the American dream. I never considered or even imagined people could live in such desperation. And the four year old daughter with metal for teeth due to not having a toothbrush, smiled at me the entire time. As I left, the mother rushed to the kitchen and came back, presenting me with a bag of big, juicy grapes. I have never been more humbled or more moved in my life. I remember my ex saying, "You're loving people now, Rachael. You're not living in a bubble anymore and look how far you've come. Your tears are so genuine and come from your heart". I'm teary just thinking about that phone conversation. I felt so sad to see such desperation, but so enlightened and so passionate to do my part to lessen the burdens of others. So I'm in this field not for political or reasons like that, specifically, but I believe as human beings, we are called to lessen one another's burdens, provide when we have been provided for, and work to help every human being to have the chance to be who they were created to be.
This has turned into a rant, but it's from my heart. I know that God will fulfill my needs and my desires if I just lean into Him and trust Him. I want more than anything to someday meet someone who's heart is so big and is amazed by my heart as well.
"A new commandment I give unto you, That you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another." —John 13:34 (KJV)
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