Thank you Dr. Phil

     Every Wednesday morning I facilitate a women's trauma group at work. It's specifically created for women who have endured physical, sexual, and emotional abuse or been through any other tragic events. I always feel like God lays the topic on my heart right when I need it. It usually comes to me randomly and I'm often inspired by something I wasn't expecting to be. So this morning I was feeling rushed and uninspired, not to mention miserable with cramps, and had no idea what I would lead my group on. I bring three or four inspirational quotes every week and the girls just love it. I was looking up quotes and found a great one from good old Dr. Phil: "You show others how to treat you". Ammmeeennnn. I started a discussion with my group today around the importance of demanding respect from our partners. I had to be a little cautious with this topic because I didn't want to infer in any way that they CAUSE the domestic violence. No one can make another person harm them. But we do model how we believe we should be treated. I shared that we have to love ourselves enough and have enough respect for ourselves to demand a partner treat us the way we deserve. I gave an example of while in high school, my girlfriends hung out with a group of guys that decided one day it would be fun to start punching the girls and giving them bruises. My friends would whine and complain, saying that hated it, showing me their bruises and saying that they wished the boys would quit. I was never punched by any of them. Not once. I demanded respect and they knew that they could not treat me that way. I never said it and they tried it. It was understood. I also gave an example that I hope that my clients feel respected by me and thats why they treat me with respect. People often ask me, "Is it scary working with addicts"? Hell no! They are people just like you and me who have tragic stories and used a substance as their coping mechanism. I give them respect and I remind them that they are human beings who have a story and deserve to be loved and respected and because of that, they treat me with respect in return.    
     I believe that it is sooo important as a woman to "find" ourselves and love ourselves enough to know what we deserve. I have been going through that process over the last three years of learning who I am, who I want to be, and who I should have in my life. I will never have completely arrived but I believe that especially over the last few weeks, I have begun to love myself enough to demand respect and to no longer allow men (or women) to take advantage of me or mistreat me. But the only way that I can demand to be treated right and the only way I can expect to be with a fabulous man who treats me right, is to respect others in the same way. We get back what we give out. In the times that I have been insecure, unsure, damaged, and needy, I have drawn people to me that feed off that. I have made mistakes in allowing men in my life when I shouldn't have just so that I can simply feel comfort. God is continuing to mold me into the woman I am called to be and I know that what HE has started will continue to grow and bloom if I continue to act in kindness, love, maturity, and to strive to be the best version of me I can be...

To think or not to think...

I'm a thinker. I think about everything and I think all the time. I wake up and think as I drink my coffee, take a shower, dry and straighten my hair, and then I think the whole drive to work. I most often think about my clients in the morning when I'm getting ready. Usually not directly about them individually but more overall, what they need and how I can better serve them. I know that the junk television I watch is in no way beneficial to my intelligence BUT I truly believe that it is the only thing that puts my mind on pause and allows me to zone out. I get caught up in the Bachelorette's silliness in saying she's "in love" within two dates, or by watching competitions for HOH on Big Brother, and even laugh my head off at how funny the Kardashian sisters are. It's my escape and it's really the only time that I completely forget my work, clients, family, friends, and anything else of substance.
   Lately I have been thinking more...genuinely, real, and giving myself some credit. I am my own worst critic and not a day goes by that I don't say "shame on you" to myself for something I said or did that day or even in the past. I have beat myself up for years about what a mean girl I was in high school, how poorly I treated my ex husband, all the friendships I have screwed up, and how stupid I am for giving too much of myself to men who didn't deserve it. But lately, I've been trying to cut myself a break. Ive been reminding myself that despite my daily attempts (and failures), I am not perfect and never will be. I will never treat people exactly like God wants me to and I will always need to learn how to better communicate in love to those around me. I've been trying to be aware of my "self talk". We talk about this in my groups I lead all the time. I have recognized that I have made a pattern of saying "you're such a loser" in my head when I go an entire evening without receiving any text messages from anyone. I call myself a "fat ass" when my pants feel tight and I don't like the way I look. Ive been teaching my clients and thus teaching myself that my self talk reflects my actions and the way I live. If I tell myself that I'm a loser, I will continue to act like one. I won't set standards for the kind of people I will allow around me and I will settle when I deserve better. I also am trying to give other's credit. Nobody is perfect and I should know that better than anyone. I may have had some poor instincts as of late when it comes to choices in men, but I also have made some positive choices. I'm making progress in making better decisions. I got rid of "Mr. Looney Toons" within three weeks and that my friend, is progress. I have set standards for type of men I will surround myself with and I can honestly say...I don't want to be around really any but four or five and that includes my boss and family members. I've come a long way and I have a lot further to go, but life is a journey. I'm not supposed to have arrived yet. I guess I always thought that by my late twenties, I would be married, working, at least two kids, and know exactly who I am. I pray that I am never a finished project. May I always be growing and learning. No, I have not taken the path I planned to in that I am single, childless, poor, and a little damaged. But I have also endured. I have endured through some rough times and I am stronger because of those times. I know I want to be someone who loves God. I know I want to lessen the burdens of others as a career for the rest of my life. I know I want to be kind, loving, and giving. I know I want to teach my children someday to love others. I know I want to avoid bitterness and judgement and celebrate the unique stories of each individual. I know I want to eat healthy and exercise regularly. I know I want to always have a relationship with my family whether or not we live in the same town. Those are the things I know and beyond that...I don't know. I don't know if I will ever have my own children, but in some capacity, I will mother in some form. I don't know if I will ever find my "soul mate" but I know I want a man who will partner with me and just love on people. I don't know where I will work or what exactly I will do in my career. I don't know where I will live or who I will know. Life is a journey and I often wish I could be like the Disney character, Raven who can see visions of the future so I know whats coming, but I can't. So I need to stay present, be aware, be considerate, and do the best I can with what I have at the moment...

Some days...

    There are days that I love being single. I walk around my apartment some nights and love that the whole place is mine and that I have sole rights to the remote, dvr, and I can get up at four in the morning when my dog wakes me up and flip on the tv to try to get sleepy again. I love that I don't owe anyone explanation of where I am or what I'm doing. But other days, like today, I feel as though I'm drowning in loneliness and fear that I will never find someone to spend forever with. I try to give myself a pep talk, reminding myself to have faith that God knows what He is doing and that this is a teachable moment. I want to be a mom more than anything else. I literally feel uterus aches sometimes when I see babies. I never used to be that way. I remember being a newlywed and even questioning if I would ever truly desire to be a mother. I look at friends and even strangers with their little ones and yearn for it. I want to adore a man and grow old with someone that I know is my forever and that I love unconditionally. But there are nights like tonight that I can feel myself drowning in self pity and swimming around in negative self talk. I back stroke and breast stroke in questions of, why me? What did I do to deserve being shitted on by who I thought was the love of my life? Why do even mean girls get married and I'm alone? Sick and pitiful that I even entertain such self pity and doubt. So I give myself a good slap around and have to edit my self talk: God created me and He has a plan. I need to make myself available to whatever He has in store and instead of trying to write my own script, let go and surrender. God knows my heart. He knows what I desire. But you know what He knows about me as well? I need to be found in HIM first. I need to be content in the present and avoid being defined by who loves me and wants me. I guess more than anything, it's hard to have faith. I want to know who "he" is going to be and when I will meet him. It's so hard to let go and surrender it completely.
    Most days I am okay. I get super engrossed in my work and then relax in the evenings, and do it all over again the next day. It's just some days that I ache for more...

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."
Psalm 37:4-6

Quotes from my favorite book, "Eat, Pray, Love" that reflect me so much...

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

"There’s a crack (or cracks) in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

 

"Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

No boundaries...

"All I'm saying is, kindness don't have no boundaries."
— Kathryn Stockett (The Help)

Love...just love...

     I remember my ex saying, "If people would put half the energy into the marriage that they put into planning the wedding, perhaps more marriages would last." I totally agree with him. Granted I was young, innocent, and completely oblivious to my ignorance about what a lifetime commitment really means when I got married, but I spent so much energy on planning my wedding that I literally felt depressed when it was over. I don't remember ever thinking past the honeymoon. I just wanted my dream wedding, dream honeymoon, and to live happily ever after. Uhh...really? I was telling my bestie in a recent conversation that I don't even KNOW the girl I was five years ago. I wish I knew then what I know now to be able to be saved from some heartache, but some of me is really glad I went through it all. I wouldn't be who I am today and I would still be an ignorant, spoiled, unrealistic girl.
    The last relationship I was in was stormy, to say the very least. When we were good, we were great. I had such passion for him. But when it was bad, it was ugly. I evolved within that relationship and was really able to identify what I want and don't want in a partner. I will never regret that relationship because he is truly a wonderful man who loved me to pieces and taught me so much. So I was just telling my friend Mo last night that I have extremely high standards now of what I want in a significant other and I wonder if thats good, or if it will make it difficult to impossible to find someone.
    I want someone that LOVES. I want someone that will be my partner in teaching our children to LOVE. I want my children to know that God loves them and so they should then give that love away to everyone around them. I don't want to teach them religion or judgement, but love. To go with their hearts and do what they know in their hearts is right and wrong. I want them to learn that God loves us sooo much, that he died for us. And his message is to give love away to those around us. I want my partner to love me unconditionally. I've never had that in a relationship because they have all ended. I want my partner to love my family, especially my sisters. To love my friends, especially my besties. I want my partner to love my dogs:)
    I want someone that is genuine and authentic. It's important that he knows who he is and is willing to fight for his values and beliefs and for those he loves. I don't want to change anyone. I see so many relationships where they try to change the other person and mold them into who they want them to be. I don't want to change him. I want to fall in love with who he is. I want him to know that I'm his biggest fan and that I support him NO MATTER WHAT.
    I want someone who is passionate. I don't care if he's passionate about being a plumber, as long as he fixes toilets with all his heart. I don't want someone who is "stuck" in their job, constantly negative and complaining about what they had to do throughout their day. I love my job and it is a reflection of who I am and what I believe in. I must share that with a partner.
    I want someone who challenges me to be the best version of me. My ex was so good at this and thats one of the great things I took away from the relationship. He (sometimes) gently and lovingly held me accountable to control my temper, consider my words, and consider my actions instead of being so impusive. He challenged me to truly think for myself and find what I believe without feeling like I have to believe what other's tell me to. He helped me find for myself what pains me, as well as what excites me. I will never forget driving home from Sanger one evening, following a family meeting with one of the families I worked with in Wraparound. The family was struggling more than I thought anyone could possibly struggle. The mother came over from Mexico, after escaping her abusive husband and bringing her four children with her. She worked in the fields for hours and hours a day, unable to provide for her children even the most basic necessities. I discovered that they had no furniture, no pillows, no shampoo, no toothpaste. I was driving home on the 180 and called my ex. I burst into tears and I'm not a crier by any means. I remember saying, "how can people allow human beings to live like this? I don't care if they aren't citizens or what mistakes they have made. They are people with hearts and souls and a desire to be loved and have a better life. How can there be such poverty amongst such privilege and I've gone my whole life, not stopping to consider the other side of the tracks." I had always helped with "the poor" with family, school, and church. But I was the classic white, American girl that thought that if people just came over legally and got good jobs, they could have the American dream. I never considered or even imagined people could live in such desperation. And the four year old daughter with metal for teeth due to not having a toothbrush, smiled at me the entire time. As I left, the mother rushed to the kitchen and came back, presenting me with a bag of big, juicy grapes. I have never been more humbled or more moved in my life. I remember my ex saying, "You're loving people now, Rachael. You're not living in a bubble anymore and look how far you've come. Your tears are so genuine and come from your heart". I'm teary just thinking about that phone conversation. I felt so sad to see such desperation, but so enlightened and so passionate to do my part to lessen the burdens of others. So I'm in this field not for political or reasons like that, specifically, but I believe as human beings, we are called to lessen one another's burdens, provide when we have been provided for, and work to help every human being to have the chance to be who they were created to be.
    This has turned into a rant, but it's from my heart. I know that God will fulfill my needs and my desires if I just lean into Him and trust Him. I want more than anything to someday meet someone who's heart is so big and is amazed by my heart as well.

"A new commandment I give unto you, That you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another." —John 13:34 (KJV)

I just love...

"Consider your own life-how many times a day does some situation pop up that leads to moments of frustration and anxiety? Surrendering your head to your heart in those moments will lead to balance and fulfillment. As you listen to your spirit, peace follows. So follow your spirit. Build your foundation in your heart. Love must be your innermost and spontaneous response towards every person you encounter. Say to yourself inside, "I just love". Use these words as a key to start the engine running in your heart and watch life brighten with new love and understanding. Surrender to your new awareness and let love unfold the purpose of creation to you." ~Sarah Paddison, Hidden Power of the Heart

Full Circle...

    I mentioned in my last post that I would be writing about sharing God's love through the way I treat others. My parents took my whole family to Maui three years ago. I had decided beforehand that I wanted a tattoo and had discussed possibly getting "matching" ones for my husband at the time and I. God knew to protect me from that! I remember where I was in my house, weeks before we left for Maui, when I started singing the old song, "and they'll know we are Christians by our love...". I remember I was straightening my hair and thought, "now thats a tattoo". So I came up with a design and while in Maui, had tattooed on my left side a cross with a ribbon around it that says, "may they know by my love". I can't remember exactly who I was at the time, but I remember that I was recognizing my mean spirit and my need to be softer and more loving. I remember telling my ex husband that my tattoo represented where I was trying to grow and he sort of scoffed at it.
    So over the last three years, I have been changed. Mostly against my will and because of difficult situations, but God is good. I have been softened. I have learned that I can't control what others will do or say, but I can choose how I will respond. I took the trauma of losing my marriage and through Christ, used it to grow. I took a lot of the things my ex husband said (while psychotic) about my being cruel and awful and blah blah and took it with a grain of salt, but also took it seriously. He may have been taking it to a level it wasn't at, but I believe any sane part of him did in fact feel that I was mean, harsh, and not in any way nurturing. I started to be molded by Christ as I began working with kids in the system. I then met my amazing ex that I dated for two years and he gave me the same message (in kinder words): soften your heart. So the last two and a half years I have been softened, humbled, and made much more aware of how I treat those around me. My ex taught me a lot and although I often became angry and/or hurt, he was right.
    So here I am, humbled and wanting to be used by God to lessen the burdens of others. I work in a population of low income, little education, drug addiction, and broken hearts. I get paid very little and it's often extremely discouraged, but man oh man have I been changed. I have a new line that I say aloud and to myself on a daily basis: "Just love". That's it. Plain and simple. I personally believe that as a Christian, it's not my role to decide if someone's a sinner and truly a follow of Christ. I don't care about their orientation, who they date, or any behaviors that they may choose. Instead, I believe we are called to LOVE. One of my favorite clients who is tattooed up to his neck (literally) and looks like someone I wouldn't want to know in my past life, has a HEART and will cry on a dime when he talks about how much he loves his wife. I am truly humbled by those I work with and learned that LOVE goes a long way. Give people a chance to rise to the occasion. Love people and let them know you care and you see their hearts. I am amazed by how much my perspective has changed just by loving rather than judging. So...three years ago when I got that tattoo, I got it knowing that I was on the brink of learning something. Now, three years later and a full circle, my tattoo, "May they know by my love" is a constant reminder to share God's love and salvation simply through LOVE...

Drama to love...

I have this quote taped on my wall in my office:
"He knows what He is doing with me. I cannot always understand His way, but I am content in the realization that He knows what is best. That is surrender." ~Daya Mata
     There's that word SURRENDER I love so much again. Surrendering to God having a bigger plan for me is something I have to wrestle with daily.
      I have always been a drama queen. My entire life. My family and long-time friends are rapidly bobbing their heads to a point of injuring their necks. I have always had drama with boys, friends, and family. I remember when my last boyfriend told me I was addicted to drama, I got defensive. How dare he say that? I gave it a lot of thought and realized that he is right. I have always lived off drama. I am one of those people that are GOOD in crisis. I like my blood to be pumping, my heart beating, and I spring into action. I'm the ringleader for confronting family, friends, whoever necessary. I have argued with boyfriends just for the sake of proving a point. I have always loved to have the last word and if that means I hurt somebody, well poor them. They need to get on board. My ex husband used to say that I was mean. I got mad at him for that :) Through the process of my divorce and finding myself, I realized how right he was. I WAS mean. I have always been selfish, confrontational, and quick tempered. The last three years have been a process of God softening my heart. I will repeat to myself, "slow to speak and slow to become angry" over and over. I don't want to be quick tempered. I want to think before I speak. I want to show God's love. I will save that next part for my next entry. My job has COMPLETELY changed me. I have softened so much because of my clients. I tell them all the time that they have changed me and helped me so much more than I could ever do for them. They have taught me not to judge based on appearance or past or how society views them. I've learned that everyone-every race, age, sex, orientation-everyone deserve to be loved and given a chance to be who God created them to be. It doesn't matter if they came to America illegally or if they have done drugs or if they have had ten abortions, or if they have been to prison. They are human beings-children of God that deserve to have someone SEE them for who they are. To validate the pain they have experienced. To be praised for their gifts and talents and to be loved for who they are and who they are attempting to become. My political, spiritual, and relationship belief toward EVERYONE is LOVE. God is LOVE. Just LOVE. Stop saying BUT and Well they...stop. Everyone deserves a chance and if they are unwilling to use the opportunity, then let them go and let them try again later. But no one should ever be thought of as less than. So this drama queen is slowly but surely and by the grace of God becoming a LOVER. A lover of GOD. A lover of HUMAN BEINGS. A lover of second and third chances. A lover of kindness. A lover of loving. My ex husband deserved to be LOVED better by me and I know that God will provide that to him in his future. I too deserved to be loved better. I know God will fulfill that for me someday. But first, love needs to come from CHRIST and be enough for me. A man's love, attention, or praise will never be enough. I will always fail every human at some point. I want to first be found, identified, and secure in God's unfailing love. Sheesh, I have a long way to go...:)

His Love Is Furious

Nothing can tear us from
The grip of His mighty love
We’ve only glimpsed, His vast affection
Heard whispers of, His heart and passion
It’s pouring down…


His love is deep, His love is wide
And it covers us
His love is fierce, His love is strong
It is furious
His love is sweet, His love is wild
And its waking hearts to life

The Father loves and sends His son
The Son lays down His life for all
He lavishes His love upon us
He calls us now, His sons and daughters
He’s reaching out…


… and its waking hearts to life
He is waking hearts to life
He is waking hearts to life

From drama queen to simply sweet...

    I've always loved to write. I write from my heart and although it may not always be poetic or brilliant, I love it. I've been a hopeless romantic for as long as I can remember. I chose the colors for my wedding in sixth grade and even created a book with magazine clippings with ideas for how I will decorate for my wedding. I dreamed of the ring, the dress, the flowers, even the vows. I began writing letters to my future husband at the age of fifteen when my parents gave me my purity ring ( I actually did wait until my wedding night). The one thing I didn't envision or plan for was the marriage itself. So there I was at 22,  engaged and planning my big day.
     When the wedding is over and all the gifts have been unwrapped, reality sets in. I'm now married and its not always going to be romantic or thrilling. So skipping a whole heck of a lot of drama and getting to the point, I'm going to be 28 next month and I'm divorced, childless, and single. Uhh...this is not how I planned it. So this is my first time being single since I was 16. I've realized that I have always found my identity in how many guys like me, if I have a perfect looking relationship, and if guys think I'm good looking. How did I get here? I have changed the music I like, the TV I like, the way I dress, the way I talk, according to who I'm with. That never was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the confidant, driven, overachiever. But alas, here I am sorting through my true taste in clothes, confirming that I actually LOVE country, Christian, and yes, some rap. I'm 28 and figuring out what I should have figured out in my young 20s. But God is good. All the time. He has never left me or forsaken me. There have been many, many, many moments, days, weeks, even months where I have questioned God: WHY? I thought I did it the way I was "supposed to". I was the "good girl". So what are you thinking, GOD? WHOA. Little me is questioning God. He never said I wouldn't get hurt, experience trauma, or ever feel lonely. He said something better: HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME.
     This is my journal where I will write about the journey, the path, the mistakes, the good times...and ultimately I hope-NO I KNOW-where I will one day be exactly where God planned for me to be. One of my most precious friends, Bree said it right: God has a plan and we can go off on our own little tangents and HE says, "Okay sure, try that way. Eventually you will end up where I planned". I've taken a grip of detours and tried to mapquest my own journey but here I am...I SURRENDER. There's something about that word that gets me right in the gut. Maybe it's because I work with those in recovery but I love the concept of SURRENDERING. Giving in to God and knowing that he ultimately runs the show anyway, so why do I keep trying to grab the reins? Sheesh.
    My computer screen at my desk that I stare at daily has the following verses taped to it:
~"I am waiting for the Lord, my soul is waiting for Him, and my hope is in His Word." Psalms 130:5
~"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him...". Psalm 37:7
~"My soul, wait though only upon God; for my expectation is from Him." Psalm 62:5
~"And therefore will the LORD wait, that He may be gracious unto you, and therefore will He be exalted, that He may have mercy upon you: for the LORD is a God of judgement:  blessed are all they that wait for Him." Isaiah 30:18
    So here it goes...I'm surrendering, finding myself in the Lord, and chronicling it here...