Changes...

I HATE change. I hate adapting. I hate shifting. I hate being forced to move. I hate pain. I hate challenges. I hate consequences. I hate disappointment. I hate failure. I hate loneliness. I hate fear. I hate uncertainty.

I want to be always improving. I want to better myself. I want to rely on God more. I want to be who GOD created me to be. I want to LOVE more. I want to grow. I want to be challenged. I want to learn. I want to be loved. I want acceptance. I want to succeed. I want to believe. I want to heal.

I suck at change. SUCK. I hate it. HATE it. But odly, I love to be challenged and faced with new experiences that cause me to grow and overcome. But I still hate change. I don't want to remain stunted by the same experiences and people and never evolve. And I don't want it to hurt.

I'm terrified I will fail. Scared I won't adjust. Nauseated at the thought of disappointment. Nearly completely crippled by fear.

I believe I am capable. I believe I'm worthy. I believe I love. I believe I am strong. I believe God has a plan for me. I believe I will succeed.

I look around and see so many people just skating through life. They have consistency, love, and success in their lives. They don't wake up each day wondering where they will be or who will love them. They know and they don't ever have to be afraid of being lonely. I look at these people, some who have hurt people-deeply-have hurt me...somehow they are so much farther than me. I believe I am worthy of a good life, good people, and love from God. But I can't help but feel like every flippin time I take one step forward, I take ten steps back. It's as if I am being challenged every single day and I can't catch a break. In the last three years, I have endured the worst kind of pain and trauma. But I rose above it. I didn't let it take me down. I used it to propel forward and become a deeper, kinder, gentler, and much more genuine human being. I did the work. Hard ass work. So God, can I catch a fucking break, here? Can I have consistency? Can I just be allowed to lay low for two seconds and not get hurt? Can just one thing in my life be easy, please? My faith will not be moved and I refuse to allow the pain and confusion to take over. But man, I need a break. A big one. A freaking lightening bolt of hope to let me know that my hard work is paying off. That I am here, three years later, better...