Recovery...

       If someone were to ask me my hobbies, at the top of my list would be: learning life lessons. Let me be specific. I hate school, reading because I have to, and taking tests. No, I like to learn through LIFE. Through interactions with other human beings, making errors, feeling a range of emotions, and attempting to do it better the next time around. If I were to look back over the last three years since my marriage fell apart and my life went haywire, I would say I have learned the most through that time. I was actually just telling a client that I think we learn most when we are alone and/or experience pain. It is easy to respond to pain with resentment and build walls and scars that prevent us from being molded and moving forward. If we can just avoid the temptation to be negative, pessimistic, and play the victim rather than to use the hard times to grow.
      As I have mentioned numerous times, I learn the most from my clients. I am not an "addict" and although I have a sister that is in recovery, I never really understood it. I respected it from a distance and thought, "that's nice for them", but never considered that it would have an impact on my life. I now have a passion for working with people in recovery. Each day I am amazed and in awe of the pain and heartache that they have experienced and continue moving forward, taking it day by day. Their focus is to better their life and each day is part of the journey. They have a support system and they utilize their peers to request support and to share about the good and bad times that they are going through. They focus on a higher power, as well as a community with others that share similar goals. They error (as humans do) and call it a "relapse", getting back on the horse and continuing on. They believe deeply in concepts like SURRENDER and POWERLESSNESS. Is it just me or is this all genius? Why can't we all be part of such communities, developing goals, learning from each other, and celebrating their successes and coming together to talk through failures? Why is this not a part of every day life?
     Last week my women's trauma group started the movie, "Eat, Pray, Love" and we watched the second half today. We are all obsessed with the concept of the story and bananas about the quotes:) I love the quote from "Eat, Pray, Love" that says, "stop trying so hard. Surrender". I share quotes with them weekly that focus on self improvement, getting to know yourself, and avoiding relying on a significant other to define you. I love listening to my client's stories, gaining strength and excitement when they have "aha moments" and overcome the "odds".
     I have also been learning a lot about being a significant other for a man. The biggest lessons I have learned over the last three years, especially over the last six months, can be summed up as: "be a soft place for him to land". I can't tell you how much it breaks my heart hearing these men I work with that are covered in tattoos and appear hard as steel breaking down in tears and sharing that they feel torn apart by the woman in their life. They know they have made mistakes and caused a lot of damage, but in order to move forward, they need encouragement, forgiveness, respect, support, love, and for "her" to point out even the smallest attempts at building trust. I cringe at the thought of how I have treated men in my life in the past. Why do so many of us women believe that the louder we yell and the crueler the things we say will somehow get through? Why can't we see that we are actually losing our audience? A man can only take so much before the harsh comments and ridicule begins to chip away at their very souls until they ultimately become a broken, empty, and mere portion of who they were meant to be. A man can't be whole if the woman in his life is telling him that he's a loser, needs to get it together, is "lucky to have me", and scorned for his human mistakes. A man needs support, forgiveness, grace, and most of all...love. Love them for who they are and not for who the woman wants them to be. If they aren't the package that you want as is, move on. Love, support, praise, cheerleadering, and nurturing will help them be their best versions but breaking them down will only build resentment.
     I am in recovery. Recovery of my soul, heart, mind, and every other part of me. I am surrendering to God to be the healer as well as the director of my life. I want to always be growing, learning, and celebrating my successes. I never want to have "arrived". I always want to challenge myself to find better coping strategies, to better my communication skills, and avoid depending on others to define me. Recovery is something that I believe we should all be a part of.