If someone were to ask me my hobbies, at the top of my list would be: learning life lessons. Let me be specific. I hate school, reading because I have to, and taking tests. No, I like to learn through LIFE. Through interactions with other human beings, making errors, feeling a range of emotions, and attempting to do it better the next time around. If I were to look back over the last three years since my marriage fell apart and my life went haywire, I would say I have learned the most through that time. I was actually just telling a client that I think we learn most when we are alone and/or experience pain. It is easy to respond to pain with resentment and build walls and scars that prevent us from being molded and moving forward. If we can just avoid the temptation to be negative, pessimistic, and play the victim rather than to use the hard times to grow.
As I have mentioned numerous times, I learn the most from my clients. I am not an "addict" and although I have a sister that is in recovery, I never really understood it. I respected it from a distance and thought, "that's nice for them", but never considered that it would have an impact on my life. I now have a passion for working with people in recovery. Each day I am amazed and in awe of the pain and heartache that they have experienced and continue moving forward, taking it day by day. Their focus is to better their life and each day is part of the journey. They have a support system and they utilize their peers to request support and to share about the good and bad times that they are going through. They focus on a higher power, as well as a community with others that share similar goals. They error (as humans do) and call it a "relapse", getting back on the horse and continuing on. They believe deeply in concepts like SURRENDER and POWERLESSNESS. Is it just me or is this all genius? Why can't we all be part of such communities, developing goals, learning from each other, and celebrating their successes and coming together to talk through failures? Why is this not a part of every day life?
Last week my women's trauma group started the movie, "Eat, Pray, Love" and we watched the second half today. We are all obsessed with the concept of the story and bananas about the quotes:) I love the quote from "Eat, Pray, Love" that says, "stop trying so hard. Surrender". I share quotes with them weekly that focus on self improvement, getting to know yourself, and avoiding relying on a significant other to define you. I love listening to my client's stories, gaining strength and excitement when they have "aha moments" and overcome the "odds".
I have also been learning a lot about being a significant other for a man. The biggest lessons I have learned over the last three years, especially over the last six months, can be summed up as: "be a soft place for him to land". I can't tell you how much it breaks my heart hearing these men I work with that are covered in tattoos and appear hard as steel breaking down in tears and sharing that they feel torn apart by the woman in their life. They know they have made mistakes and caused a lot of damage, but in order to move forward, they need encouragement, forgiveness, respect, support, love, and for "her" to point out even the smallest attempts at building trust. I cringe at the thought of how I have treated men in my life in the past. Why do so many of us women believe that the louder we yell and the crueler the things we say will somehow get through? Why can't we see that we are actually losing our audience? A man can only take so much before the harsh comments and ridicule begins to chip away at their very souls until they ultimately become a broken, empty, and mere portion of who they were meant to be. A man can't be whole if the woman in his life is telling him that he's a loser, needs to get it together, is "lucky to have me", and scorned for his human mistakes. A man needs support, forgiveness, grace, and most of all...love. Love them for who they are and not for who the woman wants them to be. If they aren't the package that you want as is, move on. Love, support, praise, cheerleadering, and nurturing will help them be their best versions but breaking them down will only build resentment.
I am in recovery. Recovery of my soul, heart, mind, and every other part of me. I am surrendering to God to be the healer as well as the director of my life. I want to always be growing, learning, and celebrating my successes. I never want to have "arrived". I always want to challenge myself to find better coping strategies, to better my communication skills, and avoid depending on others to define me. Recovery is something that I believe we should all be a part of.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
I'm going to stand on my soapbox for a bit...
This is a little off topic of my usual topics for this blog but I feel inspired and the best way for me to learn and lay out all my thoughts on the table is to write.
The VP for the Central Valley of the company I work for has a license plate frame on her car that says, "Hate is not a family value". I remember when I first saw it I embarrassingly thought to myself, "Classic gay person to have that on their car". I find myself saying that line in my head all the time now, "hate is not a family value".
I was raised in a SUPPPEERRRRR conservative, religious home. As I write that I recognize that the classic Christian reads that and thinks, Ooohhh and now she's turned away from the Lord. Hold your judgement for a second. On the contrary, my faith in God is real, deep, and a part of every bone in my body. I have become someone who seeks knowledge and looks at the heart of every topic before taking a stance. I once was sooo ignorant. I registered as a Republican because...well...I'm a believer in God so that's the same thing, right? Not so much. I believe in God. I believe that He saved me of my sins. I believe that it is my purpose on this earth to demonstrate his love and grace to others. I also believe that the world is full of sin and we aren't puppets on a string so we have the ability to make our own choices and with that responsibility, we affect others. Good and bad. Pro-choice doesn't mean you are pro killing babies. That's what murderers are. It's very different. The responsible and informed individual believes that a baby is a gift and a human life but that there are situations that occur that are unfortunate and sad but that bringing a baby into the world would only hurt that child. I personally would not have an abortion but I'm also an intelligent, educated, independent person who has a support system and job. What about the women that I work with that are so strung out on drugs out on the street that they are selling their bodies and have no idea who the father is? What if they aren't going to quit using and yes, ideally, they clean their lives up. But really? Really? It's questions to ask yourselves. I'm not saying everyone has to agree with me. I'm not even saying that I am pro abortion. I'm simply saying that the world is really really grey and not black and white as so many ignorant people want to believe. I've gone off onto a tangent and need to get back to my point.
People that I have been raised around-church people-take stances for the sake of taking stances. They are okay with being armed and carrying weapons on them that can kill and destroy lives because...they may get held up? Really? And you want to judge the woman who finds out she's three weeks prego and her life is a mess so she terminates the pregnancy? How are these lines being drawn? When did we decide that we get to pick our morals? Oh, right...we are "protected ourselves". Really? It's necessary to carry a gun on you? We murder for those that have murdered. That's like hitting/spanking my kid as a discipline for hitting their sibling. Huh? Are we even thinking anymore or are we robots? We say we don't believe in gay marriage and truly, not sure that I do either BUT we also restrict basic rights to those that are different than us as well? What? Fine, keep marriage sacred between man and woman although lets face it people, it's hardly sacred anymore. We cheat and so quickly quit on our marriages yet suddenly our values become very strong when it comes to allowing the same sex to get married. Okay so leave marriage out of it. There are children now that have homosexual parents. There's actually discussion of limiting benefits from employers and acknowledging that they are at the very least, a committed couple that are together for many years, sharing a home, and raising children. You want to punish children because you believe differently?
Heavens, all those that are conservative are surely praying right now because clearly I have allowed the devil to take over my life. Why can't I believe in Christ but also believe in the American dream and that millionaire's should be taxed higher to support those in poverty? Why can't I believe in the American dream that people can travel to this country by land or by sea and be offered the opportunity to make something of themselves? What if it isn't the "Mexicans" that are "living on our tax dollars"? What if it's white people that are lazy, drug addicts, and gambling too much? And another thing, when did it become okay to have no respect for our elders? I don't care if you wish Oprah Winfrey was President instead of Obama, stop hating! You can disagree with his policies and his choices but to attack him as a human being and say he's not American? Seriously? Do you know what values are? I believe that the average American White "Christian" is the exact example of a Pharisee. You decide it's okay to live in your upper class, easy, ignorant world and not help those in needs and you believe that's "following God"? You judge those that use drugs as their coping method of dealing with more trauma than you can even dream of in your worst nightmares? Why is there so much hate??? Isn't the message of the New Testament LOVE? LOVE your neighbor. Love homosexuals and heterosexuals. Loving them doesn't make you gay. It makes you human and have a heart. Oh I've got some people heated and squirming, I just know it.
How about instead of instilling in your children that they must believe what's in your box and if they go outside of it they are sinners, you teach them to love on people. Teach them to give. Teach them responsibility by learning to put their allowance into savings, fun spending, and giving to a ministry they believe in? Why not encourage our children to read and ache to learn and gain insight? I want to raise children that see black people the same as white. They won't do a double take or feel guarded because of race. I want to raise a child that will be the ONE kid on the playground that will play with the kid that's an outcast because she has two moms. I want to raise a child that serves others in whatever capacity they feel led-teacher, therapist, doctor, lawyer, social worker...whatever it may be...that when they come in contact with other human beings they give them love and kindness and that people remember their smile and their graciousness. My dream is that our world starts to love more. Stop judging and making up your mind to ignore or judge from a distance those that you disagree with. Love them closely instead of at arm's length and maybe they will wonder why you're so kind and maybe THEN-THEN you have a chance to share what you believe and God's grace. How did we become so backwards??? We want you part of our group/club and so we are going to judge you and be stuck up and if you work hard enough and fit into our little black and white box, you will be in on the club and you won't go to hell. Seriously???? How does this even make sense? What about this one? I believe something in my heart and it gives me hope and joy that I want others to have so I'm going to devote my life to serving others and lessening their burdens because I have been blessed and many don't have the opportunities I have. I'm not a drug dealer, I don't live in the ghetto, I have two parents that are married, and I'm heterosexual but guess what? I love you NO MATTER what. I'm going to demonstrate kindness and graciousness and pray for you and be your friend in hopes that my positive attitude will be attractive to you. Doesn't that make way more sense???
The VP for the Central Valley of the company I work for has a license plate frame on her car that says, "Hate is not a family value". I remember when I first saw it I embarrassingly thought to myself, "Classic gay person to have that on their car". I find myself saying that line in my head all the time now, "hate is not a family value".
I was raised in a SUPPPEERRRRR conservative, religious home. As I write that I recognize that the classic Christian reads that and thinks, Ooohhh and now she's turned away from the Lord. Hold your judgement for a second. On the contrary, my faith in God is real, deep, and a part of every bone in my body. I have become someone who seeks knowledge and looks at the heart of every topic before taking a stance. I once was sooo ignorant. I registered as a Republican because...well...I'm a believer in God so that's the same thing, right? Not so much. I believe in God. I believe that He saved me of my sins. I believe that it is my purpose on this earth to demonstrate his love and grace to others. I also believe that the world is full of sin and we aren't puppets on a string so we have the ability to make our own choices and with that responsibility, we affect others. Good and bad. Pro-choice doesn't mean you are pro killing babies. That's what murderers are. It's very different. The responsible and informed individual believes that a baby is a gift and a human life but that there are situations that occur that are unfortunate and sad but that bringing a baby into the world would only hurt that child. I personally would not have an abortion but I'm also an intelligent, educated, independent person who has a support system and job. What about the women that I work with that are so strung out on drugs out on the street that they are selling their bodies and have no idea who the father is? What if they aren't going to quit using and yes, ideally, they clean their lives up. But really? Really? It's questions to ask yourselves. I'm not saying everyone has to agree with me. I'm not even saying that I am pro abortion. I'm simply saying that the world is really really grey and not black and white as so many ignorant people want to believe. I've gone off onto a tangent and need to get back to my point.
People that I have been raised around-church people-take stances for the sake of taking stances. They are okay with being armed and carrying weapons on them that can kill and destroy lives because...they may get held up? Really? And you want to judge the woman who finds out she's three weeks prego and her life is a mess so she terminates the pregnancy? How are these lines being drawn? When did we decide that we get to pick our morals? Oh, right...we are "protected ourselves". Really? It's necessary to carry a gun on you? We murder for those that have murdered. That's like hitting/spanking my kid as a discipline for hitting their sibling. Huh? Are we even thinking anymore or are we robots? We say we don't believe in gay marriage and truly, not sure that I do either BUT we also restrict basic rights to those that are different than us as well? What? Fine, keep marriage sacred between man and woman although lets face it people, it's hardly sacred anymore. We cheat and so quickly quit on our marriages yet suddenly our values become very strong when it comes to allowing the same sex to get married. Okay so leave marriage out of it. There are children now that have homosexual parents. There's actually discussion of limiting benefits from employers and acknowledging that they are at the very least, a committed couple that are together for many years, sharing a home, and raising children. You want to punish children because you believe differently?
Heavens, all those that are conservative are surely praying right now because clearly I have allowed the devil to take over my life. Why can't I believe in Christ but also believe in the American dream and that millionaire's should be taxed higher to support those in poverty? Why can't I believe in the American dream that people can travel to this country by land or by sea and be offered the opportunity to make something of themselves? What if it isn't the "Mexicans" that are "living on our tax dollars"? What if it's white people that are lazy, drug addicts, and gambling too much? And another thing, when did it become okay to have no respect for our elders? I don't care if you wish Oprah Winfrey was President instead of Obama, stop hating! You can disagree with his policies and his choices but to attack him as a human being and say he's not American? Seriously? Do you know what values are? I believe that the average American White "Christian" is the exact example of a Pharisee. You decide it's okay to live in your upper class, easy, ignorant world and not help those in needs and you believe that's "following God"? You judge those that use drugs as their coping method of dealing with more trauma than you can even dream of in your worst nightmares? Why is there so much hate??? Isn't the message of the New Testament LOVE? LOVE your neighbor. Love homosexuals and heterosexuals. Loving them doesn't make you gay. It makes you human and have a heart. Oh I've got some people heated and squirming, I just know it.
How about instead of instilling in your children that they must believe what's in your box and if they go outside of it they are sinners, you teach them to love on people. Teach them to give. Teach them responsibility by learning to put their allowance into savings, fun spending, and giving to a ministry they believe in? Why not encourage our children to read and ache to learn and gain insight? I want to raise children that see black people the same as white. They won't do a double take or feel guarded because of race. I want to raise a child that will be the ONE kid on the playground that will play with the kid that's an outcast because she has two moms. I want to raise a child that serves others in whatever capacity they feel led-teacher, therapist, doctor, lawyer, social worker...whatever it may be...that when they come in contact with other human beings they give them love and kindness and that people remember their smile and their graciousness. My dream is that our world starts to love more. Stop judging and making up your mind to ignore or judge from a distance those that you disagree with. Love them closely instead of at arm's length and maybe they will wonder why you're so kind and maybe THEN-THEN you have a chance to share what you believe and God's grace. How did we become so backwards??? We want you part of our group/club and so we are going to judge you and be stuck up and if you work hard enough and fit into our little black and white box, you will be in on the club and you won't go to hell. Seriously???? How does this even make sense? What about this one? I believe something in my heart and it gives me hope and joy that I want others to have so I'm going to devote my life to serving others and lessening their burdens because I have been blessed and many don't have the opportunities I have. I'm not a drug dealer, I don't live in the ghetto, I have two parents that are married, and I'm heterosexual but guess what? I love you NO MATTER what. I'm going to demonstrate kindness and graciousness and pray for you and be your friend in hopes that my positive attitude will be attractive to you. Doesn't that make way more sense???
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