Changes...

I HATE change. I hate adapting. I hate shifting. I hate being forced to move. I hate pain. I hate challenges. I hate consequences. I hate disappointment. I hate failure. I hate loneliness. I hate fear. I hate uncertainty.

I want to be always improving. I want to better myself. I want to rely on God more. I want to be who GOD created me to be. I want to LOVE more. I want to grow. I want to be challenged. I want to learn. I want to be loved. I want acceptance. I want to succeed. I want to believe. I want to heal.

I suck at change. SUCK. I hate it. HATE it. But odly, I love to be challenged and faced with new experiences that cause me to grow and overcome. But I still hate change. I don't want to remain stunted by the same experiences and people and never evolve. And I don't want it to hurt.

I'm terrified I will fail. Scared I won't adjust. Nauseated at the thought of disappointment. Nearly completely crippled by fear.

I believe I am capable. I believe I'm worthy. I believe I love. I believe I am strong. I believe God has a plan for me. I believe I will succeed.

I look around and see so many people just skating through life. They have consistency, love, and success in their lives. They don't wake up each day wondering where they will be or who will love them. They know and they don't ever have to be afraid of being lonely. I look at these people, some who have hurt people-deeply-have hurt me...somehow they are so much farther than me. I believe I am worthy of a good life, good people, and love from God. But I can't help but feel like every flippin time I take one step forward, I take ten steps back. It's as if I am being challenged every single day and I can't catch a break. In the last three years, I have endured the worst kind of pain and trauma. But I rose above it. I didn't let it take me down. I used it to propel forward and become a deeper, kinder, gentler, and much more genuine human being. I did the work. Hard ass work. So God, can I catch a fucking break, here? Can I have consistency? Can I just be allowed to lay low for two seconds and not get hurt? Can just one thing in my life be easy, please? My faith will not be moved and I refuse to allow the pain and confusion to take over. But man, I need a break. A big one. A freaking lightening bolt of hope to let me know that my hard work is paying off. That I am here, three years later, better...

Recovery...

       If someone were to ask me my hobbies, at the top of my list would be: learning life lessons. Let me be specific. I hate school, reading because I have to, and taking tests. No, I like to learn through LIFE. Through interactions with other human beings, making errors, feeling a range of emotions, and attempting to do it better the next time around. If I were to look back over the last three years since my marriage fell apart and my life went haywire, I would say I have learned the most through that time. I was actually just telling a client that I think we learn most when we are alone and/or experience pain. It is easy to respond to pain with resentment and build walls and scars that prevent us from being molded and moving forward. If we can just avoid the temptation to be negative, pessimistic, and play the victim rather than to use the hard times to grow.
      As I have mentioned numerous times, I learn the most from my clients. I am not an "addict" and although I have a sister that is in recovery, I never really understood it. I respected it from a distance and thought, "that's nice for them", but never considered that it would have an impact on my life. I now have a passion for working with people in recovery. Each day I am amazed and in awe of the pain and heartache that they have experienced and continue moving forward, taking it day by day. Their focus is to better their life and each day is part of the journey. They have a support system and they utilize their peers to request support and to share about the good and bad times that they are going through. They focus on a higher power, as well as a community with others that share similar goals. They error (as humans do) and call it a "relapse", getting back on the horse and continuing on. They believe deeply in concepts like SURRENDER and POWERLESSNESS. Is it just me or is this all genius? Why can't we all be part of such communities, developing goals, learning from each other, and celebrating their successes and coming together to talk through failures? Why is this not a part of every day life?
     Last week my women's trauma group started the movie, "Eat, Pray, Love" and we watched the second half today. We are all obsessed with the concept of the story and bananas about the quotes:) I love the quote from "Eat, Pray, Love" that says, "stop trying so hard. Surrender". I share quotes with them weekly that focus on self improvement, getting to know yourself, and avoiding relying on a significant other to define you. I love listening to my client's stories, gaining strength and excitement when they have "aha moments" and overcome the "odds".
     I have also been learning a lot about being a significant other for a man. The biggest lessons I have learned over the last three years, especially over the last six months, can be summed up as: "be a soft place for him to land". I can't tell you how much it breaks my heart hearing these men I work with that are covered in tattoos and appear hard as steel breaking down in tears and sharing that they feel torn apart by the woman in their life. They know they have made mistakes and caused a lot of damage, but in order to move forward, they need encouragement, forgiveness, respect, support, love, and for "her" to point out even the smallest attempts at building trust. I cringe at the thought of how I have treated men in my life in the past. Why do so many of us women believe that the louder we yell and the crueler the things we say will somehow get through? Why can't we see that we are actually losing our audience? A man can only take so much before the harsh comments and ridicule begins to chip away at their very souls until they ultimately become a broken, empty, and mere portion of who they were meant to be. A man can't be whole if the woman in his life is telling him that he's a loser, needs to get it together, is "lucky to have me", and scorned for his human mistakes. A man needs support, forgiveness, grace, and most of all...love. Love them for who they are and not for who the woman wants them to be. If they aren't the package that you want as is, move on. Love, support, praise, cheerleadering, and nurturing will help them be their best versions but breaking them down will only build resentment.
     I am in recovery. Recovery of my soul, heart, mind, and every other part of me. I am surrendering to God to be the healer as well as the director of my life. I want to always be growing, learning, and celebrating my successes. I never want to have "arrived". I always want to challenge myself to find better coping strategies, to better my communication skills, and avoid depending on others to define me. Recovery is something that I believe we should all be a part of.

I'm going to stand on my soapbox for a bit...

     This is a little off topic of my usual topics for this blog but I feel inspired and the best way for me to learn and lay out all my thoughts on the table is to write.
     The VP for the Central Valley of the company I work for has a license plate frame on her car that says, "Hate is not a family value". I remember when I first saw it I embarrassingly thought to myself, "Classic gay person to have that on their car". I find myself saying that line in my head all the time now, "hate is not a family value".
     I was raised in a SUPPPEERRRRR conservative, religious home. As I write that I recognize that the classic Christian reads that and thinks, Ooohhh and now she's turned away from the Lord. Hold your judgement for a second. On the contrary, my faith in God is real, deep, and a part of every bone in my body. I have become someone who seeks knowledge and looks at the heart of every topic before taking a stance. I once was sooo ignorant. I registered as a Republican because...well...I'm a believer in God so that's the same thing, right? Not so much. I believe in God. I believe that He saved me of my sins. I believe that it is my purpose on this earth to demonstrate his love and grace to others. I also believe that the world is full of sin and we aren't puppets on a string so we have the ability to make our own choices and with that responsibility, we affect others. Good and bad. Pro-choice doesn't mean you are pro killing babies. That's what murderers are. It's very different. The responsible and informed individual believes that a baby is a gift and a human life but that there are situations that occur that are unfortunate and sad but that bringing a baby into the world would only hurt that child. I personally would not have an abortion but I'm also an intelligent, educated, independent person who has a support system and job. What about the women that I work with that are so strung out on drugs out on the street that they are selling their bodies and have no idea who the father is? What if they aren't going to quit using and yes, ideally, they clean their lives up. But really? Really? It's questions to ask yourselves. I'm not saying everyone has to agree with me. I'm not even saying that I am pro abortion. I'm simply saying that the world is really really grey and not black and white as so many ignorant people want to believe. I've gone off onto a tangent and need to get back to my point.
    People that I have been raised around-church people-take stances for the sake of taking stances. They are okay with being armed and carrying weapons on them that can kill and destroy lives because...they may get held up? Really? And you want to judge the woman who finds out she's three weeks prego and her life is a mess so she terminates the pregnancy? How are these lines being drawn? When did we decide that we get to pick our morals? Oh, right...we are "protected ourselves". Really? It's necessary to carry a gun on you? We murder for those that have murdered. That's like hitting/spanking my kid as a discipline for hitting their sibling. Huh? Are we even thinking anymore or are we robots? We say we don't believe in gay marriage and truly, not sure that I do either BUT we also restrict basic rights to those that are different than us as well? What? Fine, keep marriage sacred between man and woman although lets face it people, it's hardly sacred anymore. We cheat and so quickly quit on our marriages yet suddenly our values become very strong when it comes to allowing the same sex to get married. Okay so leave marriage out of it. There are children now that have homosexual parents. There's actually discussion of limiting benefits from employers and acknowledging that they are at the very least, a committed couple that are together for many years, sharing a home, and raising children. You want to punish children because you believe differently?
     Heavens, all those that are conservative are surely praying right now because clearly I have allowed the devil to take over my life. Why can't I believe in Christ but also believe in the American dream and that millionaire's should be taxed higher to support those in poverty? Why can't I believe in the American dream that people can travel to this country by land or by sea and be offered the opportunity to make something of themselves? What if it isn't the "Mexicans" that are "living on our tax dollars"? What if it's white people that are lazy, drug addicts, and gambling too much? And another thing, when did it become okay to have no respect for our elders? I don't care if you wish Oprah Winfrey was President instead of Obama, stop hating! You can disagree with his policies and his choices but to attack him as a human being and say he's not American? Seriously? Do you know what values are? I believe that the average American White "Christian" is the exact example of a Pharisee. You decide it's okay to live in your upper class, easy, ignorant world and not help those in needs and you believe that's "following God"? You judge those that use drugs as their coping method of dealing with more trauma than you can even dream of in your worst nightmares? Why is there so much hate??? Isn't the message of the New Testament LOVE? LOVE your neighbor. Love homosexuals and heterosexuals. Loving them doesn't make you gay. It makes you human and have a heart. Oh I've got some people heated and squirming, I just know it.      
    How about instead of instilling in your children that they must believe what's in your box and if they go outside of it they are sinners, you teach them to love on people. Teach them to give. Teach them responsibility by learning to put their allowance into savings, fun spending, and giving to a ministry they believe in? Why not encourage our children to read and ache to learn and gain insight? I want to raise children that see black people the same as white. They won't do a double take or feel guarded because of race. I want to raise a child that will be the ONE kid on the playground that will play with the kid that's an outcast because she has two moms. I want to raise a child that serves others in whatever capacity they feel led-teacher, therapist, doctor, lawyer, social worker...whatever it may be...that when they come in contact with other human beings they give them love and kindness and that people remember their smile and their graciousness. My dream is that our world starts to love more. Stop judging and making up your mind to ignore or judge from a distance those that you disagree with. Love them closely instead of at arm's length and maybe they will wonder why you're so kind and maybe THEN-THEN you have a chance to share what you believe and God's grace. How did we become so backwards??? We want you part of our group/club and so we are going to judge you and be stuck up and if you work hard enough and fit into our little black and white box, you will be in on the club and you won't go to hell. Seriously???? How does this even make sense? What about this one? I believe something in my heart and it gives me hope and joy that I want others to have so I'm going to devote my life to serving others and lessening their burdens because I have been blessed and many don't have the opportunities I have. I'm not a drug dealer, I don't live in the ghetto, I have two parents that are married, and I'm heterosexual but guess what? I love you NO MATTER what. I'm going to demonstrate kindness and graciousness and pray for you and be your friend in hopes that my positive attitude will be attractive to you. Doesn't that make way more sense???

Thank you Dr. Phil

     Every Wednesday morning I facilitate a women's trauma group at work. It's specifically created for women who have endured physical, sexual, and emotional abuse or been through any other tragic events. I always feel like God lays the topic on my heart right when I need it. It usually comes to me randomly and I'm often inspired by something I wasn't expecting to be. So this morning I was feeling rushed and uninspired, not to mention miserable with cramps, and had no idea what I would lead my group on. I bring three or four inspirational quotes every week and the girls just love it. I was looking up quotes and found a great one from good old Dr. Phil: "You show others how to treat you". Ammmeeennnn. I started a discussion with my group today around the importance of demanding respect from our partners. I had to be a little cautious with this topic because I didn't want to infer in any way that they CAUSE the domestic violence. No one can make another person harm them. But we do model how we believe we should be treated. I shared that we have to love ourselves enough and have enough respect for ourselves to demand a partner treat us the way we deserve. I gave an example of while in high school, my girlfriends hung out with a group of guys that decided one day it would be fun to start punching the girls and giving them bruises. My friends would whine and complain, saying that hated it, showing me their bruises and saying that they wished the boys would quit. I was never punched by any of them. Not once. I demanded respect and they knew that they could not treat me that way. I never said it and they tried it. It was understood. I also gave an example that I hope that my clients feel respected by me and thats why they treat me with respect. People often ask me, "Is it scary working with addicts"? Hell no! They are people just like you and me who have tragic stories and used a substance as their coping mechanism. I give them respect and I remind them that they are human beings who have a story and deserve to be loved and respected and because of that, they treat me with respect in return.    
     I believe that it is sooo important as a woman to "find" ourselves and love ourselves enough to know what we deserve. I have been going through that process over the last three years of learning who I am, who I want to be, and who I should have in my life. I will never have completely arrived but I believe that especially over the last few weeks, I have begun to love myself enough to demand respect and to no longer allow men (or women) to take advantage of me or mistreat me. But the only way that I can demand to be treated right and the only way I can expect to be with a fabulous man who treats me right, is to respect others in the same way. We get back what we give out. In the times that I have been insecure, unsure, damaged, and needy, I have drawn people to me that feed off that. I have made mistakes in allowing men in my life when I shouldn't have just so that I can simply feel comfort. God is continuing to mold me into the woman I am called to be and I know that what HE has started will continue to grow and bloom if I continue to act in kindness, love, maturity, and to strive to be the best version of me I can be...

To think or not to think...

I'm a thinker. I think about everything and I think all the time. I wake up and think as I drink my coffee, take a shower, dry and straighten my hair, and then I think the whole drive to work. I most often think about my clients in the morning when I'm getting ready. Usually not directly about them individually but more overall, what they need and how I can better serve them. I know that the junk television I watch is in no way beneficial to my intelligence BUT I truly believe that it is the only thing that puts my mind on pause and allows me to zone out. I get caught up in the Bachelorette's silliness in saying she's "in love" within two dates, or by watching competitions for HOH on Big Brother, and even laugh my head off at how funny the Kardashian sisters are. It's my escape and it's really the only time that I completely forget my work, clients, family, friends, and anything else of substance.
   Lately I have been thinking more...genuinely, real, and giving myself some credit. I am my own worst critic and not a day goes by that I don't say "shame on you" to myself for something I said or did that day or even in the past. I have beat myself up for years about what a mean girl I was in high school, how poorly I treated my ex husband, all the friendships I have screwed up, and how stupid I am for giving too much of myself to men who didn't deserve it. But lately, I've been trying to cut myself a break. Ive been reminding myself that despite my daily attempts (and failures), I am not perfect and never will be. I will never treat people exactly like God wants me to and I will always need to learn how to better communicate in love to those around me. I've been trying to be aware of my "self talk". We talk about this in my groups I lead all the time. I have recognized that I have made a pattern of saying "you're such a loser" in my head when I go an entire evening without receiving any text messages from anyone. I call myself a "fat ass" when my pants feel tight and I don't like the way I look. Ive been teaching my clients and thus teaching myself that my self talk reflects my actions and the way I live. If I tell myself that I'm a loser, I will continue to act like one. I won't set standards for the kind of people I will allow around me and I will settle when I deserve better. I also am trying to give other's credit. Nobody is perfect and I should know that better than anyone. I may have had some poor instincts as of late when it comes to choices in men, but I also have made some positive choices. I'm making progress in making better decisions. I got rid of "Mr. Looney Toons" within three weeks and that my friend, is progress. I have set standards for type of men I will surround myself with and I can honestly say...I don't want to be around really any but four or five and that includes my boss and family members. I've come a long way and I have a lot further to go, but life is a journey. I'm not supposed to have arrived yet. I guess I always thought that by my late twenties, I would be married, working, at least two kids, and know exactly who I am. I pray that I am never a finished project. May I always be growing and learning. No, I have not taken the path I planned to in that I am single, childless, poor, and a little damaged. But I have also endured. I have endured through some rough times and I am stronger because of those times. I know I want to be someone who loves God. I know I want to lessen the burdens of others as a career for the rest of my life. I know I want to be kind, loving, and giving. I know I want to teach my children someday to love others. I know I want to avoid bitterness and judgement and celebrate the unique stories of each individual. I know I want to eat healthy and exercise regularly. I know I want to always have a relationship with my family whether or not we live in the same town. Those are the things I know and beyond that...I don't know. I don't know if I will ever have my own children, but in some capacity, I will mother in some form. I don't know if I will ever find my "soul mate" but I know I want a man who will partner with me and just love on people. I don't know where I will work or what exactly I will do in my career. I don't know where I will live or who I will know. Life is a journey and I often wish I could be like the Disney character, Raven who can see visions of the future so I know whats coming, but I can't. So I need to stay present, be aware, be considerate, and do the best I can with what I have at the moment...

Some days...

    There are days that I love being single. I walk around my apartment some nights and love that the whole place is mine and that I have sole rights to the remote, dvr, and I can get up at four in the morning when my dog wakes me up and flip on the tv to try to get sleepy again. I love that I don't owe anyone explanation of where I am or what I'm doing. But other days, like today, I feel as though I'm drowning in loneliness and fear that I will never find someone to spend forever with. I try to give myself a pep talk, reminding myself to have faith that God knows what He is doing and that this is a teachable moment. I want to be a mom more than anything else. I literally feel uterus aches sometimes when I see babies. I never used to be that way. I remember being a newlywed and even questioning if I would ever truly desire to be a mother. I look at friends and even strangers with their little ones and yearn for it. I want to adore a man and grow old with someone that I know is my forever and that I love unconditionally. But there are nights like tonight that I can feel myself drowning in self pity and swimming around in negative self talk. I back stroke and breast stroke in questions of, why me? What did I do to deserve being shitted on by who I thought was the love of my life? Why do even mean girls get married and I'm alone? Sick and pitiful that I even entertain such self pity and doubt. So I give myself a good slap around and have to edit my self talk: God created me and He has a plan. I need to make myself available to whatever He has in store and instead of trying to write my own script, let go and surrender. God knows my heart. He knows what I desire. But you know what He knows about me as well? I need to be found in HIM first. I need to be content in the present and avoid being defined by who loves me and wants me. I guess more than anything, it's hard to have faith. I want to know who "he" is going to be and when I will meet him. It's so hard to let go and surrender it completely.
    Most days I am okay. I get super engrossed in my work and then relax in the evenings, and do it all over again the next day. It's just some days that I ache for more...

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."
Psalm 37:4-6

Quotes from my favorite book, "Eat, Pray, Love" that reflect me so much...

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

"There’s a crack (or cracks) in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

 

"Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)